New day

Now posting from phone.

Day 2

I don't have much on my mind right now. Just wished to post again to keep and/or get myself into the mood of posting here often. I was called into the office at work yesterday and "spoken to" about a customer having a complaint about my "attitude". So, what else is new in the retail world. They even had reviewed it in the video tapes to see if there was any reason for the complaint. I had rushed a customer it seems. I seem to remember one instance where there was a hoighty-toighty snotty bitch that I did tend to go to the next customer rather than saying much to her. I ignored her and did not put her bags into the cart like a good little serving boy should do for someone of her "high" state of privilege. I dislike people who have the attitude that they are so good that they need to be waited on hand and foot. I actually do more than dislike them. I despise them, actively. What right do they have to think that they are better than anyone else because of the accident of birth, or financial position. They are no better than I or my lady. It is too bad that they will never know what it means to be humble or have to suffer the "slings and arrows of adversity". I cannot find it within myself to suffer them at all. I know it is not a christian attitude. It does show that maybe I feel a small sense of being as good as anyone and probably even a little superior to some. But that is what I have learned over 68 years. I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things. I have experienced a lot of good and bad in my life. I have survived and will survive even more. So I smiled and took the criticism of my employers and agreed that if I ever needed to talk about things that I would find someone so that I could release the tension by talking. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. They do not know and never will know what is in my life. They, as a group, are not worthy. They have no idea and I dont have the time or patience to enlighten them.

The only really bad thing about this way of thinking is that I keep myself aloof from those I love as well. I don't think that my lady really knows what it is that I feel because I have spent so many years deadpanning and/or smiling when confronted with things. I no longer react as I feel, rather I nod and smile so that the others think that they are in control. It has been the way that allows me to get through the situation and save and protect my family, my life, my job. I sell myself everyday to ensure that there is food on the table, medicine in the cabinet, and a roof over our heads. I get so tired of it. That may be part of the reason that I have begun reading about shamanic practice in my life. It is a way of calming my self and giving me purpose without exploding. Maybe, if there is enough life times available, I will someday find peace.

Day 1

This is an attempt at describing what I want to do with this blog. I have another that I use to communicate with my siblings and other family members. My thought when I started was to put in random thoughts and "musings" but somehow I have been unable to really put into the content some of the things that do run through my mind. Some have been on the dark side. Some inconsequential but not something that you might wish to share with those who think they know you. But I feel the need to have a place to write the things, essays, meanderings that go through the mind of a nearly 7 decade old man. Maybe I can do that here. Any who wander in here, be warned. I am an old but not mentally incompetent man.